The mix of thoughts and feelings that I have about sharing this, is all over the place. God has called me to share this twice in a group.....it never gets easier to share. The first time was nearly two years ago in our Women's Bible Study Small Group, the next was in the Marriage Bible Study that awesome hubby and I lead. As much as I hate sharing this, I desire more to do what my Father asks of me and I desire to see others set free from the chains that bind them. So if my guts laying out there for all to see is what it takes for just one person to be set free, let it be so..... This is part of my testimony….. Did you have a giant named “anger” that was slayed? - That was the text from my precious sister in Christ, Kelly. My response…..within myself, yes. Then she asked me to share how I overcame in our Wednesday night Bible Study. My next response was…….Oh Gosh! It had nothing to do with me, it was all Him. I will do my best.
This made my tummy feel sick and already my heart is about to beat out of my chest just putting these words on paper…..talking about my past isn’t something I love to do, I’d really rather chew on broken glass.
Yes…..yes, I know that our path and our rescue and our healing and changing gives others hope, and it glorifies our Mighty God…..that still doesn’t make it easy to talk about.
So let's take it back to the very beginning….clearly I am prone to anger issues, I am a redhead! I can remember being angry for no reason in kindergarten for crying out loud!! I didn’t get into any fights in school….I had anger but I was also a chicken!
For many years in my adult life, I was just a nasty, rotten, sassy mouthed, mean women!
Though I was a believer, giving my life to Christ at the age of 12, clearly I was not living my life the way I was supposed to and was grieving the Holy Spirit constantly. Poor Gary…..what I have put him through over the years….he really does deserve a super cool medal or something! I don’t know why he never had me committed to 4 padded walls, left me on the steps of a church or dropped me off in the middle of nowhere, never to be seen again. I truly don’t deserve him!
In some of my finer moments, while yelling like a fool, I have slammed countless doors, thrown remote controls, hair brushes, pots and pans….never anything sharp though and he always got out of the way. I have punched walls, and nearly broke my hand trying to put it through his truck window. I have pounded my own legs so hard that I have left bruises. I have been nose to nose with him screaming like a possessed crazy women.
On top of the anger, I was an anxiety ridden basket case!! My mind was a tangled, twisted up, tortured mess that was medicated to keep me from going completely nuts….I was a prisoner!
Until one day, my path of destruction led me to the end of myself….my absolute rock bottom, you don’t get any lower than this low, broken, dark, horrible place….the complete abyss - it was horrible….I wanted to die! I was completely broken and no matter how much love and support was heaped on me from Gary, our parents and my close girlfriends, I was still a wreck!
But God…… I remember it like it was yesterday…..I couldn’t go on…..I was on the floor beside our bed, my face buried in the floor and I cried out to God to take it all away…..PLEASE PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY…..PLEASE!!!! I sobbed and sobbed for hours, crying out to my Father for His rescue and rescue He did!
I like to keep the picture in my mind of Him sitting beside me on the floor, wiping my tears away, brushing my hair out of my eyes, and loving me, letting me know He was holding me and He would hold me forever! That was the moment, I gave everything to Him…..all of me, for always! He healed me of everything that had held me prisoner for so long - He freed me of the bondage of my mind - He gave me a new heart - He made me new!!!
I have never been the same, I finally knew a peace that I had never known before.
I have been a girl on fire for her Lord ever since!!
No more anger No more raging fits No more screaming for the dumbest reasons No more anxiety No more tangles and twists No more medication!!!
He is the God of miracles - here I am before you now, as one of His miracles!
Commentaires